This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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