Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize