she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
