ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i just had sex bonerless
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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