i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
