I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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