just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
