no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
