i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
