This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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