I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Even my vagina gasped.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
