I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
