New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
