he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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