1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You made out with two different species that night
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize