no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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