I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
