As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
