woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
