I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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