i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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