My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
