the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
