hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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