Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
two words: eviction party
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
