you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
