I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
