oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
