My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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