Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
