My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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