if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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