why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
