my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
