I'm pants shitting drunk right now
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
