im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
