fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I faked an abortion last night.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
