I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
