Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
