So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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