After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
