when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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