Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
