The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
