walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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