bring money and cleavage
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
