I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
