I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
