Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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