if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
this boner is exhausting
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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