take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
