I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
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