Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
