I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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