dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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