please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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