so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
