Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
handjob tips. give me some.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
