I wish I could teleport
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
