Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
