if i can run in heels then i can drive
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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